Theses Statements:
1. In her online article Most Teens Aren't Active Enough, And It's Not Always Their Fault, Patti Neighmond repeats important key words such as "physical activity" and uses expert opinions to persuade her audience that they need to help get rid of childhood obesity throughout our schools. Neighmond's use of appeals to values or beliefs shared by the audience is one reason why the audience trusts her as the author, however this may also set a biased tone for non-supports of this issue.
2. Patti Neighmond, author of Most Teens Aren't Active Enough, And It's Not Always Their Fault, uses effective organization of sentences, paragraphs, ideas, images, etc. to help convince her audience that they need to help end childhood obesity in schools around the country. Neighmond establishes credibility and knowledge about her subject by referencing credible sources and quoting experts on her argument.
I think the wording on the first thesis could use some work, any suggestions? Thesis statements are always one of the hardest parts of writing for me. I want to discuss the author's use of key words and how she persuades/convinces her audience to put an end to childhood obesity. I think it will be difficult to organize my paper the way I want to, but by trying to work through one part of my thesis at a time, I should be able to piece it all together.
Reflection:
I replied to Jake's and Aaron's blog posts. From reading their drafts and comments on my post, I have learned that shorter thesis' may be better than longer ones because they get right to the point without any excessive information. Knowing this, I will be able to re-read through my paper and look for sentences/ paragraphs that are too long and need to be revised or too short and need to have more information.
Links to my peers' blog posts:
Jake
Aaron
I personally like the 2nd statement. It is simpler and more precise, which can be a good thing when trying to get all the points you want to communicate across effectively. Such an important topic, too.
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ReplyDeleteI think both thesis's are great and acknowledge what you are going to talk about in your essay. However, I like thesis 2 because it is simple and states your point very clearly. I also like the second one better because it doesn't have the justification about the authors appeals to values. I really don't have any suggestions, I think thesis 2 will be great in your essay.
ReplyDeleteThese are both great places to start. I think that each one of them could be revised into a broader project. I would maybe make your second thesis a little less specific in terms of listing every one of the tools (sentences, paragraphs, etc.). In other words, don't feel like you have to give away every point of your paper in your thesis. You could say something more about diction, syntax, and her credibility, etc.
ReplyDeleteI found your first thesis statement to be less wordy and simple, but I liked how direct you were in the second thesis. This is a great topic choice and I think if you focused on being more direct in the first thesis it would be perfect!
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