Revised Introduction

                     
I feel that the new version of my intro is more successful because it does not give away too much information like my original does. I believe that my opening sentence is much better than my original as well!
                       Original Introduction:

In this day and age, childhood obesity in schools across the country has been an increasing issue in the eyes of numerous Americans. One of those Americans is Patti Neighmond, author of Most Teens Aren’t Active Enough, And It’s Not Always Their Fault. Neighmond encourages her audience to stand up against this issue by becoming more physically active with their children and enforcing schools to enforce physical activity in their Physical Education programs. Neighmond repeats important keywords such as  "physical activity" and uses effective organization of sentences, paragraphs, ideas, images, etc. to help convince her audience that they need to help end childhood obesity in schools around the country. Neighmond establishes credibility and knowledge about her subject by referencing credible sources and quoting experts on her argument. Neighmond's use of appeals to values or beliefs shared by the audience is one reason why the audience trusts her as the author, however this may also set a biased tone for non-supporters of this issue. 

Revised Introduction:

"Childhood obesity has more than doubled in children and quadrupled in adolescents in the past 30 years" (Carroll, Kit, Ogden, 2011-12). The article Most Teens Aren't Active Enough, And It's Not Always Their Fault by Patti Neighmond, is one example of how physical inactivity has resulted in a rise of childhood obesity throughout the schools in the United States. This paper will provide a detailed analysis of this issue and the opinions of others on this important topic. Neighmond effectively convinces her audience that they need to help end childhood obesity across the United States.